My First Bible #4: Ezra 9:6

"Oh God, I am too ashamed to raise my head in your presence.  Our sins pile, high above our heads; they reach as high as the heavens." Ezra 9:6

Some of the verses I noted down when I first read my Bible cover to cover, I vividly remember doing so.  This one - I do not.  There are probably two possibly explanations for why I noted it down: either, I was feeling as Ezra was feeling - overwhelmed by my sin and the situation I found myself in.  Or, having learnt about sin and God's saving grace, any reminder of the former was a elicited a response of worship about the latter.  But before I explain what I mean by that, let's dive in afresh...

The context for this verse is this: Ezra is on his knees in prayer.  The remnant of Israel have returned from exile (yay!), but Ezra then finds that many have been guilty of intermarriage.  This was something that God forbade the Israelites to do as the entered the promised land, and for Ezra and his fellow leaders, the discovery is a cause for great grief.  It's one of those situations where we think: what?  bit of an overreaction here?  But in doing that we forget the context.  So, let's clear a few things up...

Firstly, it wasn't about race.  To take just one example, Ruth was a Moabite, but converted to Judaism, and one of the notable women listed in the genealogies.  Ruth's story was one of an 'outsider' aligning herself to and coming under the protection of Yahweh, and by extension the community of God's people.  If the issue with intermarriage was just about race and background, the book of Ruth would be very different.

Secondly, marriage wasn't just about love and a relationship.  Many marriages were made for diplomacy or protection, and in a world without pensions and safety nets, family ties and descendants were essential.  This is not just about the impact on the faith of individuals when they commit to a marriage where the other person doesn't put God first, but about seeking security.  This was idolatry - turning elsewhere, and inviting in and condoning abhorrent practices at the same time - for security.  The Israelites were exiles in a foreign land - maybe they wanted to fit in, join in with that corporate life too.  But this would have meant living in a way that was contrary to God's just laws.  If we are to think how this could apply to us now, then we can think not only about our romantic relationships but our economic ones too: such as not working for companies that contribute directly to harmful practices, or even on a national level, ignoring a genocide because of our political and economic ties with the perpetrator, and then even having to let their laws and practices become part of our national life.  Ezra himself was not guilty of intermarriage, and yet he is grieved by the sin.  It's corporate, and it's effects reach to everyone.

I don't remember how much I identified with this particular area of rebellion at the time.  I wasn't guilty of aligning myself in marriage in a way that compromised my faith.  Somehow I knew that this was not about race but about faith, and it was clear to me from early on in my faith that if I were to marry, it would need to be to someone who shared that faith.

But discovering that sin is actually a big deal is what made all the pieces fall into place for me.  Whilst many grew up with an understanding of God as a killjoy who is always cross with them, I grew up with Father Christmas.  Father Christmas came whatever I'd been like all year and it didn't cost him anything (because he was magic - obviously...).  Grace was cheap.   

But cheap grace didn't address the crushing sense of inadequacy.  Cheap grace didn't explain why the Bible spoke of judgement.   And cheap grace didn't explain the cross.  When we have cheap grace - when we think we have all we need and God is just an extra who provides over and above that, at no cost to himself, then we have little need for worship.

But it turned out that grace wasn't cheap.  First I learned that for some other people, God was this far more real person that lit up their eyes.  Then I realised that I knew nothing of that God.  Then, in the depths of despair I reached out to him and knew his love.  But I didn't understand why Jesus had had to die.  Then I learned that God was a holy and perfect God - that this was far more than I could ever imagine.  I learned the theology that put words to my previous feeling of being lost, and subsequently being found - that severed relationship between people and their very creator, and the fact that that creator broke himself apart to mend it.  The more I look at God, and the more I learn about myself, the more I learn how much I need a saviour, and how much that salvation costs.

When we discover the depths of our sin, we are lead all the more to worship.  Four centuries after Ezra and the Israelites came stumbling back to God - ashamed, but assured of his faithfulness as they stood on the promises made to Abraham, to Isaac, to Jacob, and through all the law and the prophets - Jesus was having dinner and Simon the Pharisee's house.  A 'sinful woman' sat as his feet weeping, wiping his feet with her hair, and pouring perfume on them - an act of emotion, humble worship, and love.   Jesus says to the shocked Simon:

“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.  Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”...

..."Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.  You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.  You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.  Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

(Luke 7:41-42,44-47)

So I think it is most probable that I picked out this verse because of the sense of worship it invoked.  Every time he reveals something more in my heart that speaks of my pride, selfishness, and stubbornness, and I realise that that Jesus has taken it on himself and the Father counts me as his daughter, and that I am loved, secure, and called to a better purpose, then I wallow in that love.  Like eating a meal when you're starving.

The summer I was 17 years old I read my Bible cover to cover for the first time.  I was captivated and completed the whole thing in 4 months.  Although I clearly read it at quite a pace, I still jotted down passages that sprang out to me in my still relatively new faith.  I still have that Bible, and the scraps of paper are still there, bookmarking each verse.  So I decided to go through, 18 years later, and visit each of them.  They are from the Good News Bible.