Sunday thoughts: our true selves

I was in my local shopping centre last week, having been sitting in a coffee shop writing about the value we have from being made in the image of God, when I took the above image in the window of New Look.  The T-shirt says: Be you / for you.  It got me thinking about why it was there, and the problem it was trying to address. 

It's a real problem that we've all faced, and that is defining our value against other people and what they expect of us.  Feeling we have to behave a certain way in order to impress or win the approval of someone else, when that behaviour is hurting us or others.   It's why people end up being and staying in abusive relationships; it's why others spend time and money making themselves appear a certain way to be accepted; it's why so many black women put their hair through damaging straightening regimes in order to look 'smart' (i.e. having non-textured hair); and it's why I, aged 13, told my parents that if they bought me a different ('cooler') pair of trainers it would change my life(!).  The strain of constantly trying to please others, ascribing your very value to what they think, and being a person you don't feel comfortable being, takes a huge strain on people's mental health.

And, as evidenced by this t-shirt, many parts of society are waking up to this problem.  The message on this t-shirt goes even further than most:  we are starting to see uniqueness of individuals and the overall diversity of society as a positive thing, but this t-shirt charges us to embrace our own authentic selves not for the benefit of others, not because being different is somehow cool, and not in order to adhere to someone else's values.  People in minority groups who have been a 'token' to demonstrate diversity will be able to identify with the last point - the token black model in a photoshoot, the token female character in a kids TV show, their uniqueness capitalised on but also reduced down to insulting stereotypes.

But let me come back to a phrase I used in the paragraph above (I wonder if you spotted it?):  Authentic selves. I use the term as it’s one that comes along with this whole philosophy (my workplace, for example, sees true inclusion as being where people can bring their whole authentic selves to work), but what does it even mean?  In essence, what does it really mean to 'be you'?  I am female, I use medical aids to function, I'm good at talking once I get going but shy at approaching new people.  I'm comfortable with all of those things.  I'm also selfish, apathetic at times, and find it hard to empathise with my children's emotions and lose my patience with them.  Do I really want to be myself totally and utterly?

Of course, those I will refer to as the t-shirt designers will probably have an answer for that: within me, there is the best version of myself, and they may very well go so far as to argue that in order to find that best version of myself, I need to fully embrace all my uniqueness and everything that makes me, me.  I probably (and I'm generalising here), need to cast off people who do not affirm who I am.  I need to spend time finding who I really am.  This might make me more grounded, inspired to do the things I was 'meant' to do and be the person I'm meant to be.

But what if I can't find that authentic self?  The Bible has a different answer: it's not one that denies our uniqueness, worth and gifts, but it's one that means that we need to look outside ourselves, not inside, to see who we really are, because we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), and made to live in relationship with him as his children (e.g. 1 John 3:1) , and it is neither up to us or anyone else to define that worth. 

When I look in the mirror, my mind sees how much weight I've put on since having life-changing surgery a year ago.  The medical reality is that I'm no longer malnourished and actually able to digest my food.  The spiritual reality is that however much my brain is still wired to say fat, God says: made in my image, my dearly loved daughter. 

But like my imaginary t-shirt designer, I recognise I am not all I want to be in ways that are nothing to do clothing size or body positivity.  But God says: do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2).  We start off in agreement, in not letting the world squeeze us into it's mould, but then we diverge.

There is a person I am meant to be, but that person is daughter of the king.  God made his people to live in relationship with him.  It is because of that broken relationship that we are the way we are - we live in a world that has broken its relationship with him, and we ourselves have rejected him.  But he has not rejected us: he sent Jesus to save us.  Jesus took all the brokenness on himself, and rose to new life, so that we can follow.  He is God coming to us to restore that relationship.  

But what if our part?  Jesus said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."  (Matthew 16:24-25)  What does denying oneself mean?  It is not denying our value as individuals made by God, as that would contradict what the Bible teaches elsewhere.  For example: as the Psalmist famously says:

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
(Psalm 139:13-14)

Denying oneself is not denying one's value, but about giving up our desire to define ourselves, the world, and right and wrong.  This is not about whether I love myself or not, but whether I let my value be defined by God.  If my value is for me to define, I can love myself, but I can also hate myself, or I can give others the power to define my value.  But if I'm made the image of God, I have no right to look in the mirror in disgust or in vanity, but only in worship of God, like the words of the psalmist above: "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made".  

But some may wonder: am I just replacing other people with God?  Am I not just committing the same sin as others, in letting someone else define my worth?  If God were merely a human invention, put in place to keep people under control - the opiate of the masses - then yes.  But we're talking about our creator here - the very being that gives us our worth in the first place.  He is before all time, the light of the world, and love itself.  Why is God love?  Because God is trinity existing for eternity - three persons who are equal but different, constantly giving glory to each other. 

And that creator God made us in his image: not the image of some power-hungry despot who wants a load of 'mini-mes', but love itself.  For those of us who have biological children, I'm sure there are many things going on in our heads when we decide we want them and we can't judge God by our standards, but we may have felt one of three feelings: first, the desire to glorify ourselves and create a copy of ourselves, second, the desire to have someone love and need us so that we can feel some kind of self-worth, and third, the desire for the love we feel within our marriages to flow out into the world - to share it and create more of it!  It is for the third reason that people not only have biological children, but adopted, fostered and spiritual children, and it is for the third reason that God created us.  The words of Jesus from Matthew's gospel that I quoted earlier about denying oneself, taking up our cross and following Jesus, are followed by these words:

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16:25)

Jesus promises us life.  He promises us a relationship and value that no one can take away.  John writes: See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. (1 John 3:1).

I will be me: daughter of God.